To Find Yourself Does Not Mean To Escape…
...but, what if in order to find ourselves we need to escape?
Today marks my 1 month anniversary of becoming a New York City resident. Contemplating on the month that has now passed, there have been moments, I'm not going to deny, in which I have asked myself WTF? Why did I ever decide to leave California? My life was pretty much set in Los Angeles. I had just graduated from my Master’s at USC, I had very recently gotten laid off, my lease was close to ending, and I was not in any relationship (formal, hookup or platonic of any type). Ok, let’s reevaluate the word set. Basically, I was comfortable, I had a routine, and I knew my way around the city. Nevertheless, I really didn’t have anything that I felt tied me to the city significantly in any way, a city I had called home for the past 4 years.
Other than having a relationship or a job, which some people might think are what make a city a home (very cool if this is you), I want the place I call home to be my safe haven. I want HOME to be a place where I can experience growth, a place where I'm blissfully happy, a place where I'm free to be completely myself, with no pressure whatsoever to feel like I need to fit in. Many of you might say that in order to feel such things in a city, you have to be at a good place with yourself, and that no city will ever provide happiness. Actually, a lot of friends said exactly this when I decided (while meditating in the steam room of the Marina del Rey Equinox… this is really how it happened), and later mentioned to them that I wanted to move to New York. I know that happiness does not depend on where or with whom we are, but on being utterly honest and respectful and loving of the person that we are. Nevertheless, and this is where the part of escaping comes in… sometimes a little getting out of our comfort zone, of a routine, even of a city might push us (even just a little) into the direction we have always been destined to go.
Looking back and thinking about it, although I will forever hold part of LA in my heart and on my sleeve (got the cutest palm tree tattoo before leaving, I'm kinda obsessed with palm trees), I never really felt at home in Lala Land. The greater LA area is certainly beautiful. I was able to call Santa Monica and Marina del Rey home, #blessed. It’s a city full of dreamers, laid back personalities, reallyyy good looking men and women, creative entrepreneurs, beautiful beaches, awesome hikes, perfect weather, and best Fro-yo ever (shoutout to The Yogurt Shoppe in the Pacific Palisades, do yourself a favor and if you ever find yourself in LA, GO!), but despite all this amazingness there was a part of me that simply felt out of place.
When I decided to come to New York, maybe part of me wanted desperately to escape, but most of me just wanted to feel complete. Now being in New York, I feel like the right choice was definitely made. I tell myself that coming here was not an escape from a city, or a life or a mentality that wasn’t making me happy, but what if it was? And honestly, who cares if it was? As cheesy as this might sound, I believe that our hearts always know the way, we just have to believe that despite of what everyone else might say, we know what’s best for us and how we chose to be happy. It’s true, we’re never going to find happiness if we just keep looking for it. We have to embrace happy, to embrace ourselves and everything that we are, to accept our flaws and to love our flaws, to believe in our hearts and our hearts desire, to know that if we feel the need to escape maybe it's because it's part of our journey.
I want New York to be my home for a long time. I feel like I have always been a New Yorker, in the end I was born in this city (uptown girl here… but who’s bragging?), but I promise to always listen to my heart; who knows if it tells me otherwise in a couple of months or in a couple of years. What I know is that even though I do miss Los Angeles and some of my best friends are still there, I feel more like myself and more at peace with the person who I am and who I want to be, here in New York; and as far as I’m concerned, even if in the end maybe I did escape, that’s really the only thing that matters.
I don’t know if the post you just read made much sense, but it did to me. It’s a whole lot of feelings and thoughts that I desperately needed to write down. Hope at least it was a fun read though… more into the real, poker face, RBF but loving person that is me ♥
Remember…
Love Yourself Always,
Maritza
