To Live and Love each Day

Oh What a Beautiful Life <3

A look into what it has taken me to finally decide to embrace love and accept every detail of each day my life has to offer... 

I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m not the most constant writer. Some might say it's laziness, and my mom would most certainly say that it's fear of the unknown a.k.a fear of being judged. I think, that I get way too attached to my own stories, and often end up writing something much too personal and decide not to post.

Regardless of what it might be, most definitely not a lack of emotion, it seems to be that I get this urge to spill my guts on paper (in this case, my laptop) when something in my surroundings happens to trigger my writing bug. I’ve also come to terms that I write in incredibly long prose, and take way to long to get to my point just as I am doing now. But! I promise that if I have managed to keep your attention thus far I will make it a worthy read… or at least a funny and possibly a relatable one. You just keep reading and we'll figure it out at the end. 

So, today I was looking at pictures. As I was finishing my lovely breakfast, I opened Facebook and one of those look back 6 years ago notifications came up. It was a picture of the same but yet very different 20 year old me, with my gorgeous mom. staring at a younger, college attending, version of me made me want to look at old albums and the stroll down memory lane started. I don’t know how it is for the rest of human civilization, but for me looking at pictures is never just about the photograph. Looking at pictures is about the story, the feeling of the moment, the people that were with me when I took the picture. How was I feeling? Was I happy? Sad? Annoyed? Was that the night of my first kiss ever?! Most of which, I’m not very proud to say, I don’t remember..oops. 

Anyways, while on my stroll down memory lane I came across photo albums that showcased different trips with my mom, summers with friends, christmases in Colombia, ski trips, girl nights, nights with the BF at the time, party moments, halloween, dorm drinking… anyways, memories dating back 4-6 years. Then I started looking at more recent memories. My time in LA, the time I got super “fit” (when in reality I was just really close to a relapse of my ED), more trips with my mom, more trips to Colombia, more hangouts with friends, much more wine drinking, marathon racing.... you get the picture, hundreds of memories.

I was also very much captivated by the many changes in my "look" in the past 6-8 years. I’ve had short and long hair. I’ve been extremely blond, had highlights, been a brunette, had bangs. I’ve been “fit”, very very thin, not that thin, average, a little above average, and most recently with what I’ve come to terms with as being REAL. 

Staring at the many “versions” of me I can’t help but wonder, when have I been the happiest? When have I been the least happy? When have I actually shown the most real version of me? Are all of them the real me? -  I don’t know… honestly as I'm writing this I don’t even know if what I’m saying makes any sense. I am guilty, although I’m one of those basic girls that preaches otherwise, of one too many times trying to chase happiness and this idea of what is "acceptable" and "pretty" in society. I am guilty of trying to change many aspects of who I am and how I look, all the while trying to be happy. All the while trying to feel like I finally fit in and would finally be liked by the boy who would always fall for my friend. Looking at the pictures I've come to terms that in every situation I have been guilty of not living in the moment, chasing an absurd happiness, acceptance and “perfection” that stood right in front of me, that was in my own power to grasp, but that I was completely oblivious to. 

I look at college pictures where I’m laughing and immediately go back to the moment and remember that indeed I was having a blast, but there was always some bit of insecurity, some feeling of unworthiness, that made me not value the moment and the people that were with me at the time as much as I should have. I look at pictures traveling with my mom and I remember incredible moments. But then, I remember how during that same trip I couldn't help but think that there was something better, nicer that we could have done and consequently end up not fully appreciating the moment. I look back at moments when I was very thin to be healthy, and remember how everyone told me I was fit and pretty; but then I also remember how I felt. How I was scared to eat, said no to many invites, passed on dessert when I really wanted dessert, and how whenever I took a picture, I immediately criticized my “fat”, which was nonexistent really… I had not butt and straws for legs. I guess the point that I’m trying to make is that, although it’s really fun to look back at things and to remember amazing moments, it sucks to then remember that because of this absurd idea of not being enough I wasn't able to fully enjoy those same amazing moments. 

I want to start looking forward. I want to, this time for real, stop chasing a supposed ideal. I am very blessed in more ways than one. And as corny, and cliche as it may sound I want to start embracing how blessed I truly am. I want to stop looking for an ideal, but simply create my own. I want to stop trying to liked by everyone and start liking and loving myself. I want to stop looking at the mirror just to criticize my hair, or my lack of boobs, or my chubby tummy, my now thicker but much more real body. I want to look at the mirror and just say Hey Sexy! and believe it… and that is the hardest part, but I’m willing to give it a try. I want to embrace me and want to promise myself that next time I’m looking at pictures, I will remember how I was completely and utterly HAPPY. I promise myself to stop worrying so much, to stop chasing an ideal, to stop thinking that the neighbors plate is better than mine, that my friends body is better than mine, that the other guy is hotter and why am I not with him... today I say no more. Today I promise myself a different, brighter and happier future, a brighter and happier TODAY.

I am me, I am mine, and until I fully embrace my own happy and self love, I will always look back and think how something could have been better and I'm done living like that. Don’t you want to be done living like that too? 

Now I know this has been one rather long post to read, but I would like to share one more thing. A quote I came across today...

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worrying about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where everything is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it “FULFILLMENT”

- Charles Chaplin

Remember… Love Yourself Always

XO,
Maritza